Not the Answer We Anticipated.

Miles and I got very disappointing news today.  Our last IVF cycle embryo transfer did not work. Polar Baby who we introduced to you yesterday did not make it.  We are not pregnant, and it was the only remaining embryo. Broken hearted and devastated doesn’t even begin to cover the emotions we are feeling right now.  The waiting now seems like the easy part. We were NOT anticipating this to be our answer.  We are now working through the questions. The overwhelming place where the future (with our dreams a part of it) seems too far away, too distant for hope, to ever reach.  It seems too far on the horizon to allow hope to sink into the cracks of doubt.  This heartache is literally hard to swallow. I find myself caught between wanting to vomit from sheer sadness or hyperventilating from too many tears and not enough air to breath in to balance the emotion coming out. Questions linger of what is the next step? Is there one?  How many more “rejections” or “no’s” can I sustain?  How do I know what God is saying “enough”?  Even if they are still our dreams on the line, we want His will, and His will only.  Could that mean no family? Is that really possible? Our hearts are desperately sad. 

Miles and I cannot thank you enough for your loving words, encouragement, and most of all pleading prayers before God on our behalf for the past months. We have been sustained by our Heavenly Father through several losses now, and we know He will continue to sustain us through this. Please continue to pray for strength and a peace that surpasses understanding as we face choices in the days ahead and deal with our hopes again being unfulfilled.

Round 2 / Meet Polar Baby

I held by breath again and found myself gasping for air as this tiny little blob we've affectionately named Polar Baby sat as a motionless dark circle on the oversized monitor screen above my head. The nice overly grinning and enthusiastic Asian male embryologist bouncingly assured us that this Lil Embryo was “perfect and looked great” trying to make my heart relax as all I could think about was “Yeah … you said that exact same thing to me last time … so …”

Although once again my bladder screamed otherwise I admit the actual transfer was 100% easier this time. Much less painful, quicker, smoother, and much less stressful. We only had Polar Baby as our choice whereas the last time we were selecting from a Petri dish of Lil friends and facing the doctors recommendations for a double transfer which really threw us for a loop and had our hearts racing and praying for God's wisdom in the 5 seconds we had to make a decision—one that could change EVERYTHING.

 This time while the stakes are higher for Polar Baby to survive being the last chance this round and only embryo left—but somehow despite that, this transfer was much, much easier. The embryologist also showed us the pictures and shared that Polar Baby had already "hatched" and that was a sign of eager and anxious growth. Polar Baby wants to grow? That is a great sign. We left SRM with our hearts full and brimming with a glimmer of what we are calling intentional hoping. Because we are not feeling like hoping … or dreaming … or even breathing ……………………………… yet. And now we wait. Again. 

Intentionally, Purposefully Dreaming by being thankful for today as that might be all we have. We are choosing to trust and be thankful for Polar Baby and that it is with us for the now.

First Beta test is Friday 8/9/13. Please pray for calm hearts, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and for His will to be done. To HIM be the glory.

What's Next? Florida Dreamin

Somewhere, in the middle of the day on THAT one day, I completely lost it. I shrunk into a fetal-ish position on my living room floor in a heap of tears mumbling something like “this isn't how it's supposed to go” … half crying, half falling asleep.

We had a trip to Florida scheduled for the end of the week and hoped we would spend the vacation in Sunny Ft Lauderdale celebrating our good news. I suppose looking back swimming in warm waves, parasailing with Miles and alligator adventures together with mom as well as attending the Miami Heat NBA Finals Game 2 were fantastic distractions for us from falling into the depths of despair. Thank you Mom for the fabulous gift of this trip together.

I would be lying though if I did not think of it often and long for the knowledge of that baby no longer with me. I would also be lying if I did not think of the lil frozen embryo waiting in a deep freezer in Seattle for our next round. A couple times while in Florida I received phone calls from my doctor and nurses at SRM scheduling appointments and medicines to get me ready for round 2. I remember feeling a little jaded and none so eager to start up the process over again. Where is the hope? We wanted the last baby to work. Doctors said the chances were great. The best. What now? What am I possibly supposed to think now? I did not like the idea of waiting more either. A WHOLE MONTH? THE END OF JULY??? Seriously? I cried thinking that my lil frozen baby, our “Polar Baby” was locked away in a freezer for a whole month. I did not like that thought. So many emotions. So many tears. I just did not want to be excited about the next step. More shots, adding patches, adding pills. Quadrupling the hormones. Will it help? How can it possibly make a difference?

I will update when it is time to put in Polar Baby. NO-MORE-DEAMING.—For now.

Final Results

I have reached an emotional crescendo like the summit of a mountain, and I am sitting here, taking it all in and feel completely inept at putting it into words. The loss is too great. I sit here at a blank screen amid a quiet house, alone, trying to gather some worthy collection of words to express as much a wrung out heart my worn out body can muster and all I have are tears.

IVF Round#1 failed. We are devastated once again. Life has just been a series of punches and blows. It has been incredibly difficult and now with this news I am tired, sad, and a mess of hot tears. I left work early today after The Call and am going to spend some time wrestling and processing......and just be...

For those who wanted the specifics of my tests:
Beta #1 hCG level was 29.  At this point it was supposed to be over 50.
Beta #2 hCG was down to a 5.  That was our answer.  Baby did not make it.

I choose to say I trust you Lord...because I know you are good...but Lord, I just don't understand this.
 

Progress Report Call…from SRM

9:00AM

I was awake but resting when the call came in. Our wonderful nurse called to update us on how the other embry-babies were doing. Yesterday at the retrieval she said they had 6 of the 8 that were growing. So after implanting 1 there were 5 left. She mentioned yesterday they were not growing great but there was no indication that we would receive the news that we did this morning. Only ONE made it to the freezing stage. They all quit growing and were not viable.

Please do not misunderstand, I am thankful for the ONE, of course, and the one that is hopefully still growing in my belly but this was incredibly devastating news. I did have a dream for the number of our future children. Now that is not possible—on this round at least. I am not sure we can afford another/second round. The freezing of the embryos was our security of our future family. If this baby doesn’t take, and the odds are 50/50 based on how it was growing, then we only have one other embryo baby to try.

This is not the wiggle room we anticipated. This is not the family we had planned. This is NOT what we expected. Miles and I spent the morning in tears. I can’t explain how devastating it is to hear that only one survived. I am a hot mess of tears and emotions. I am pretty certain that Miles was preparing himself for the worst…that it would take a couple “tries” to get one that stuck until we could announce officially that we are pregnant. Now, we don’t have that luxury. We are praying this one sticks…and the next one. I did have dreams for twins on the next go around, and that statistically is not longer probable. Call me selfish and pessimistic but right now it feels like our dreams are dying.

I know that God has us and His plan. His ways are hard to understand sometimes. We are trusting HIM. And know that He only gives us His best, but sometimes there is pain in the offering. Blessed be His name.

Holding my breath.  Too scared to dream.

Day 5: Transfer Day!

The day has come the doctors at SRM are gonna put a baby in my belly. I am incredibly nervous. I am incredibly shaky and trying to remain calm. It was not as early an appointment as they usually are, however, we were not 100% sure of our route to get to Seattle as the Skagit I-5 bridge collapsed this week causing many delays and is our route to Seattle. Not helping the stress level at all.

Well, the detour routes were easy and I was drinking my 36 ounces of water on the way and took my Ativan to try to help with the nerves. This procedure was EVERYTHING. I knew the importance of this day and all that lead up to it, and how much was riding on a smooth procedure. I was not as “prepared” to know what to expect for it and that was adding to the nerves. I knew I was not going to be asleep and it might be pretty uncomfortable. Especially with an incredibly full bladder. I knew the catheter holding the embryo of choice was, had to be, small…but still. UGH. I was going to pop I was just sure of it.

I did threaten the super nice doctor that I just might perhaps pee in her face so she had better be gentle. I am hoping it was the nerves. That just doesn’t sound like me.

MAGICAL!  Miles and I got to see the picture of the embryo #4139782 that was selected due to its size and growth progress. It was deemed #1 and put up on a monitor for us to see and talk to. I felt privileged to see my baby at this early of a stage where most at this point wouldn’t have even known there was something in there floating around as it is before it has even “attached” itself to the uterus yet. MAGIC for sure.


It was floating around and we watched the catheter suck it up into the tubes and the tubes were immediately transferred inside me. Again we watched the monitors and saw the catheter glide to the exact spot the doctors wanted and then a tiny lil shape we’ve named “odd shapey” kind of rolled out and landed somewhere inside the uterus.
 All the equipment was removed and I could just lay there on the table and relax. YEAH Right!  RELAX! I had a full bladder and they wanted me to lay still. Forty minutes of misery while equipment and ultrasounds pressed on my bloated belly…and now all this time later I needed to do the potty dance. An egg timer was set for 15 minutes and ticked mockingly away at me.
When that thing dinged I really did spring to my feet. I nearly forgot I was supposed to be moving carefully and walk/waddle slowly. I threw on a very fancy hospital worthy white waffle terry cloth skirt with snaps up the side and I half waddled/half pranced to the nearly bathroom and finally had the best pee of my life…just saying. It was wonderful.

It wasn’t until we were on our way home and I realized the extent of what just happened. They put that tiny lil baby in my belly. It is with me RIGHT now. Just floating around and hopefully getting used to its new “home” and wanting to find a good place to settle in. That is what we are hoping. We want baby to stick, but at this point we have done everything we can and it is entirely in God’s hands now. It is a good feeling to know we have tried everything and offer up our trust in Him that this baby is His and His plan for our lives.

My first ultrasound is sometime in the first week of June. So I have bed rest for a couple days and then life resumes to “normal” and the waiting ultimately begins.

The dreaded 2ww (Two-week wait) commences.

As close as we’ve ever been to Daring to Dream…BIG

And the number is………Drum roll please……

…8! Eight embry-babies fertilized. That is a huge sigh of relief. With the ratio of eggs to how many fertilized that is a great number. We are very encouraged by that number. Now we are just praying they GROW GROW GROW!  It is the most odd feeling in the world to know that doctors took my eggs and my husband’s goods and put them together in a Petrie dish. We were praying they would “play nice” and “get along” and then “get IT on” to make babies without us interfering at all. We were not a part of that process. That is so incredibly odd. Nothing normal or natural about this process. Just waiting. And praying. Miles and I found great comfort in knowing that he and I got along so well so our “stuff” should too. Oh. My. Goodness! This is such an odd thing. We are hoping our stuffs are getting along fabulously and making babies in a plastic dish. I mean our future children are being created right now…all of them. Isn’t that crazy?

The transfer date has been scheduled as well for the weekend. Either Friday (Day 3) or Sunday (Day 5).

I need the cheerleaders at this point. So please keep dreaming with me…

Egg Retrieval Day

Seattle is pretty far away. It is kind of an annoying drive when brimming with anxiousness and anticipation. Perhaps the drive then is better? I don’t know. I wasn’t super nervous like I thought I would be. I think it was because I knew I wasn’t going to be in any pain. They were completely knocking me out for this procedure. So thankful. The numbing of my arm to put in the IV was the worst part, so that was pretty great. I handled the anesthetic like a champ. SO THANKFUL. I woke up immediately after feeling great! No nausea or fogginess. Clear and feeling wonderful. It was weird to wake up and feel so good and be alert and able to walk out a half an hour after as if nothing had happened. AWESOME! I definitely felt sore the hours after and a couple days following. They were able to tell us right away that they took out 11 eggs. That is not the 20+ eggs we were expecting/hoping for but still a good number. Now we wait for the call to tell us how many fertilized and turned into embry-babies.

Very much looking forward to THAT call.

Dreaming for a good amount.

Not So Happy lil Follicles

The last week has been filled with blood tests and ultrasounds and all has been leading up to when my body is ready for the “harvesting.” Sounds so invasive and scary when I use that word. HA! DUN DUN DUN! After my last ultrasound they told me that my right ovary was producing many follicles but the left was not at all. We barely saw any on the monitors and that was concerning. The Bellingham clinic informed me that I needed to go see SRM right away and get the final word from the doctors. Great! More Ultrasounds and blood work on Sunday May 19th. SRM determined the same thing. Righty was doing its job and we saw LOTS of follicles on the monitors but Lefty was difficult to find in general and also had like 2 follicles which was concerning. Those silly ovaries have been giving us all a scare that they are not producing as they should and not responding to all the shots. Dr Lin determined though that my body was as ready as it would ever be and we should schedule the retrieval appt for Tuesday.

Ready
 

Set

Go!

Deep breaths—ready to be done dreaming…

NO MORE POKES!

The injections have become more intense.  Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur plus a blood draw today means a very bruised arm and belly.  The combination of the meds since Saturday (so for 3 full days) I have battled an intense headache.  Praying a full on migraine doesn’t ensue however I am feeling very low and very grumpy.  Let’s blame the hormones shall we?  I am gonna.  My blood work came back immediately today and all looked perfect.  All very good news.  Another ultrasound and blood work in a couple days will most likely determine the exact dates of the egg retrieval.  All is getting very close…..It could be as soon as this weekend?  CRAZY! Silver lining is (perhaps) only a few more days of shots.  Here’s to hoping for NO MORE POKES.  Here is to dreaming of a day with no more needles. 

Dreams getting closer.  
Dare I?

Mother’s Day

I hide.  As usual I hide from this holiday as if it were the plague.  Mothers Day has always been hard for both of us.  It is not even the unfulfilled dreams that is the most difficult for me.  It is the well intentioned people who make this holiday a painful day to swallow.  It was 4 years ago that our first ectopic pregnancy took my right fallopian tube (April 24^th, 2009).  It was right before Mother’s Day and the memories are still strong.  At my church Mothers are honored and appreciated and appropriately mentioned.  Flowers. Carnations are also usually given out to all the Mommys.  It has been difficult in the past to attend church on such a Sunday.  I was handed flowers by many many women who  felt sorry for me and overwhelmed with a feeling that my babies and I should be remembered too as a mother though my arms are empty and hand me their flower.  Sweet children belonging to my friends would make sure I had a flower too and I remember my “empty” arms being so filled with flowers and promises from countless women promising me children in my future.  As if they knew God’s plan for me.  I know it is coping mechanism which makes people feel better to make such claims, but it stings none the less.  It was painful.  The flowers were so symbolic of my pain and such promises were not encouraging to my heart at that point no matter how well intentioned.  They are empty.  For we do not know they are truth or God’s plan for our lives or my little dreams for family. It was difficult to hear such words then, and it would be even more so now as so many do not know or understand the magnitude of our last devastating blow. No tubes left. No shot without major medical assistance and a whole lot of prayers to get to the point of pregnancy. People do not understand and still tell me to “keep trying...you never know what surprise the Lord might have in store for you.”  If I had my arms full of flowers my inner emotions would have wanted to beat them over the head with that bouquet.  Cant you just see the petals and leaves flying everywhere?  Oh dear. Perhaps I would not have resorted to violent beatings by carnations but I know I would not have been able to graciously accept such words on this day. 


So I hid.  I hid from Mothers Day.  Miles and I did our best to not recognize the holiday as much as possible. We stayed in our pjs and had a morning together at home.  It was real.  It was honest.  It was simply what we needed to do.    

Keeping it real.  Not Dreaming Today.

Happy lil Folicles

Never have I ever been more excited during an internal ultrasound. I mean ewww.   Right ladies?  I hate those things!  But Miles was with me in the room as we met my new nurse Michelle.  SHE WAS AWESOME! I have never felt more comfortable in the most uncomfortable and vulnerable position.  My feet are in the stirrups and we were just chatting away as if we had known each other for years. Her calming nature made me feel at ease and she walked both Miles and I through all the pictures flashing on the 3D monitor.  She showed us all of the tiny lil follicles inside my ovaries and it was so encouraging.  She saw no cysts and assured us that everything looked “happy and perfect”.  She is vey invested in her patients.  She has pictures of her patient’s embryo babies on her phone.  She prays for them and talks to them daily.  Might sound a little odd but it melted my heart.   I LOVE HER! I have never said that about someone like her before, a NURSE.  She was wonderful.  Michelle gave me permission to call her after hours with any questions I have throughout this entire process.  WHO DOES THAT?  She also walked me through the more intense shots starting this weekend.  It was great to have Miles there to learn the multi step processes and how to switch needles and hand mix the different medicines.  My Dude really impressed me.  Happy.  She saw LOTS of happy little follicles.  That is good news.  And we got a glimpse of something GOOD on the monitors. Thus far those ultrasounds have shown nothing but bad news—from cysts on my ovaries to tubal pregnancies. Never has and ultrasound ended with good news. I was pretty excited. 
I needed this.  I needed to focus happy on something. 

Could I be ready to start to dream?

So....the Shots

The shots are going alright. The lovely women I blog-stock on YouTube taught me how to do them and I am feeling more and more confident as the days go on. Yes, I know. SO professional right?  I have not have any reactions or side effects from the Lupron so far. I hate the feeling of the needles going in my tummy. I suppose that is one good thing of having a bit of tummy to work with. No chance of stabbing an internal organ with the spare tire I have around my waist. I still have to psych myself into stabbing my tummy with needles as it seems so contrary to everything within me. They are not painful but very odd. I am not sure I will ever be “used” to them, but I am not so sure that I would want to be. I can see myself getting more confident in administering them. We shall see. The trigger shot (HCG) is still looming over me. Oh the fun ahead of me. Trying not to freak out over that. I swear the needles is 5 inches long. I am sure that is an over exaggeration but honestly, not by much.

For now , I am thankful each shot is easy and not painful. I have noticed only slight itching after each injection and it doesn’t last long.

 

A slew of appts with doctors and ultrasounds and bloodwork is in store for me in the weeks ahead.

 

Daring to Dream…

A Start Date…

May 1^st—Lupron begins.  Injections. The IVF process has officially started. All the diagnostic tests have been completed. 

We have practically simulated birth and I lived.  We have let few people know as it is somehow so incredibly awkward to talk about. People ask us “what is new in your world right now?” and I have absolutely no idea how to answer them.  It is so simple and yet so…not. Why is it so awkward to discuss?  I mean, you hear people say “we are starting to try,” and that seems pretty awkward if you ask me. It is the nice way of saying we are having sex like rabbits to try to get pregnant. Absolutely nothing awkward about that, am I right? HA!  I don’t know…I just dont know where to begin.  Maybe to start off, in my case, I am jabbing myself daily with needles.  AWESOME!  Soon I will be doing multiple shots a day. There is nothing private or sacred or secret about this process. Talk of sperm, eggs, and fertilization, injections, follicles, embryos and petri dishes is how we are making a baby. Nothing FUN about that process. Nothing easy. Nothing private.  But we are daring to dream here. So laying all emotions out there and just being real.  GULP!

Dreams still so far away.

Daring to Dream—A Collection of Thoughts along my Journey from Infertility to Family

When did I become infertile and my dreams change so much? How did this happen?  Where did my decent, kind, loving attitude towards people go?  How did I get here?  There are certainly days I wonder.  There are certainly days I find myself not the same person I once was.  How did I change?  I don’t want to be bitter or jaded, or angry.  I am certainly not angry towards God.  How am I angry at strangers for pregnancy?  How do I find myself incredibly jaded and cynical and almost angry towards women younger than I am announcing pregnancies?  How can I not JUST be happy for them?  Why do I find this a punch to my stomach and take it so personally?  Miles always graciously reminds me that I should not rob people of their joyous news.  I would hate it for people to feel such a way towards me and my good news…sigh.  He is right. Each announcement felt like a dagger in my heart.  It has been so hard to watch seemingly everyone else's dreams come true.  Some days I struggle not feeling jealous.  I have developed a sixth sense about pregnant women. I seem to smell them and see them everywhere and feel surrounded.  All I have ever wanted was children.  I have only imagined my future with babies to love on.  The last few years have not been easy.  We haven’t even passed the one year mark of the ectopic pregnancy #2 in June of 2012 that claimed my only remaining fallopian tube but it seems way longer.  Hopes dashed.  Hearts broken and  Dreams seemed dead.  It was October of 2012 that our journey to investigate IVF began.  Doctors far away, phone calls, and invasive diagnostic tests over the next several months followed.   Heavy sighs.   Deep breaths………

Dreams are still undone.   Dreams so far away.

glass observation deck of Sears Tower aka Willis Tower Chicago, IL

Even If the Healing Doesn't Come

My "theme" song that sums up my heart for the last quite-a-while.

Kutless
Even If lyrics

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT
 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come