Mother’s Day

I hide.  As usual I hide from this holiday as if it were the plague.  Mothers Day has always been hard for both of us.  It is not even the unfulfilled dreams that is the most difficult for me.  It is the well intentioned people who make this holiday a painful day to swallow.  It was 4 years ago that our first ectopic pregnancy took my right fallopian tube (April 24^th, 2009).  It was right before Mother’s Day and the memories are still strong.  At my church Mothers are honored and appreciated and appropriately mentioned.  Flowers. Carnations are also usually given out to all the Mommys.  It has been difficult in the past to attend church on such a Sunday.  I was handed flowers by many many women who  felt sorry for me and overwhelmed with a feeling that my babies and I should be remembered too as a mother though my arms are empty and hand me their flower.  Sweet children belonging to my friends would make sure I had a flower too and I remember my “empty” arms being so filled with flowers and promises from countless women promising me children in my future.  As if they knew God’s plan for me.  I know it is coping mechanism which makes people feel better to make such claims, but it stings none the less.  It was painful.  The flowers were so symbolic of my pain and such promises were not encouraging to my heart at that point no matter how well intentioned.  They are empty.  For we do not know they are truth or God’s plan for our lives or my little dreams for family. It was difficult to hear such words then, and it would be even more so now as so many do not know or understand the magnitude of our last devastating blow. No tubes left. No shot without major medical assistance and a whole lot of prayers to get to the point of pregnancy. People do not understand and still tell me to “keep trying...you never know what surprise the Lord might have in store for you.”  If I had my arms full of flowers my inner emotions would have wanted to beat them over the head with that bouquet.  Cant you just see the petals and leaves flying everywhere?  Oh dear. Perhaps I would not have resorted to violent beatings by carnations but I know I would not have been able to graciously accept such words on this day. 


So I hid.  I hid from Mothers Day.  Miles and I did our best to not recognize the holiday as much as possible. We stayed in our pjs and had a morning together at home.  It was real.  It was honest.  It was simply what we needed to do.    

Keeping it real.  Not Dreaming Today.