Not the Answer We Anticipated.

Miles and I got very disappointing news today.  Our last IVF cycle embryo transfer did not work. Polar Baby who we introduced to you yesterday did not make it.  We are not pregnant, and it was the only remaining embryo. Broken hearted and devastated doesn’t even begin to cover the emotions we are feeling right now.  The waiting now seems like the easy part. We were NOT anticipating this to be our answer.  We are now working through the questions. The overwhelming place where the future (with our dreams a part of it) seems too far away, too distant for hope, to ever reach.  It seems too far on the horizon to allow hope to sink into the cracks of doubt.  This heartache is literally hard to swallow. I find myself caught between wanting to vomit from sheer sadness or hyperventilating from too many tears and not enough air to breath in to balance the emotion coming out. Questions linger of what is the next step? Is there one?  How many more “rejections” or “no’s” can I sustain?  How do I know what God is saying “enough”?  Even if they are still our dreams on the line, we want His will, and His will only.  Could that mean no family? Is that really possible? Our hearts are desperately sad. 

Miles and I cannot thank you enough for your loving words, encouragement, and most of all pleading prayers before God on our behalf for the past months. We have been sustained by our Heavenly Father through several losses now, and we know He will continue to sustain us through this. Please continue to pray for strength and a peace that surpasses understanding as we face choices in the days ahead and deal with our hopes again being unfulfilled.

Round 2 / Meet Polar Baby

I held by breath again and found myself gasping for air as this tiny little blob we've affectionately named Polar Baby sat as a motionless dark circle on the oversized monitor screen above my head. The nice overly grinning and enthusiastic Asian male embryologist bouncingly assured us that this Lil Embryo was “perfect and looked great” trying to make my heart relax as all I could think about was “Yeah … you said that exact same thing to me last time … so …”

Although once again my bladder screamed otherwise I admit the actual transfer was 100% easier this time. Much less painful, quicker, smoother, and much less stressful. We only had Polar Baby as our choice whereas the last time we were selecting from a Petri dish of Lil friends and facing the doctors recommendations for a double transfer which really threw us for a loop and had our hearts racing and praying for God's wisdom in the 5 seconds we had to make a decision—one that could change EVERYTHING.

 This time while the stakes are higher for Polar Baby to survive being the last chance this round and only embryo left—but somehow despite that, this transfer was much, much easier. The embryologist also showed us the pictures and shared that Polar Baby had already "hatched" and that was a sign of eager and anxious growth. Polar Baby wants to grow? That is a great sign. We left SRM with our hearts full and brimming with a glimmer of what we are calling intentional hoping. Because we are not feeling like hoping … or dreaming … or even breathing ……………………………… yet. And now we wait. Again. 

Intentionally, Purposefully Dreaming by being thankful for today as that might be all we have. We are choosing to trust and be thankful for Polar Baby and that it is with us for the now.

First Beta test is Friday 8/9/13. Please pray for calm hearts, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and for His will to be done. To HIM be the glory.

What's Next? Florida Dreamin

Somewhere, in the middle of the day on THAT one day, I completely lost it. I shrunk into a fetal-ish position on my living room floor in a heap of tears mumbling something like “this isn't how it's supposed to go” … half crying, half falling asleep.

We had a trip to Florida scheduled for the end of the week and hoped we would spend the vacation in Sunny Ft Lauderdale celebrating our good news. I suppose looking back swimming in warm waves, parasailing with Miles and alligator adventures together with mom as well as attending the Miami Heat NBA Finals Game 2 were fantastic distractions for us from falling into the depths of despair. Thank you Mom for the fabulous gift of this trip together.

I would be lying though if I did not think of it often and long for the knowledge of that baby no longer with me. I would also be lying if I did not think of the lil frozen embryo waiting in a deep freezer in Seattle for our next round. A couple times while in Florida I received phone calls from my doctor and nurses at SRM scheduling appointments and medicines to get me ready for round 2. I remember feeling a little jaded and none so eager to start up the process over again. Where is the hope? We wanted the last baby to work. Doctors said the chances were great. The best. What now? What am I possibly supposed to think now? I did not like the idea of waiting more either. A WHOLE MONTH? THE END OF JULY??? Seriously? I cried thinking that my lil frozen baby, our “Polar Baby” was locked away in a freezer for a whole month. I did not like that thought. So many emotions. So many tears. I just did not want to be excited about the next step. More shots, adding patches, adding pills. Quadrupling the hormones. Will it help? How can it possibly make a difference?

I will update when it is time to put in Polar Baby. NO-MORE-DEAMING.—For now.

Final Results

I have reached an emotional crescendo like the summit of a mountain, and I am sitting here, taking it all in and feel completely inept at putting it into words. The loss is too great. I sit here at a blank screen amid a quiet house, alone, trying to gather some worthy collection of words to express as much a wrung out heart my worn out body can muster and all I have are tears.

IVF Round#1 failed. We are devastated once again. Life has just been a series of punches and blows. It has been incredibly difficult and now with this news I am tired, sad, and a mess of hot tears. I left work early today after The Call and am going to spend some time wrestling and processing......and just be...

For those who wanted the specifics of my tests:
Beta #1 hCG level was 29.  At this point it was supposed to be over 50.
Beta #2 hCG was down to a 5.  That was our answer.  Baby did not make it.

I choose to say I trust you Lord...because I know you are good...but Lord, I just don't understand this.
 

Progress Report Call…from SRM

9:00AM

I was awake but resting when the call came in. Our wonderful nurse called to update us on how the other embry-babies were doing. Yesterday at the retrieval she said they had 6 of the 8 that were growing. So after implanting 1 there were 5 left. She mentioned yesterday they were not growing great but there was no indication that we would receive the news that we did this morning. Only ONE made it to the freezing stage. They all quit growing and were not viable.

Please do not misunderstand, I am thankful for the ONE, of course, and the one that is hopefully still growing in my belly but this was incredibly devastating news. I did have a dream for the number of our future children. Now that is not possible—on this round at least. I am not sure we can afford another/second round. The freezing of the embryos was our security of our future family. If this baby doesn’t take, and the odds are 50/50 based on how it was growing, then we only have one other embryo baby to try.

This is not the wiggle room we anticipated. This is not the family we had planned. This is NOT what we expected. Miles and I spent the morning in tears. I can’t explain how devastating it is to hear that only one survived. I am a hot mess of tears and emotions. I am pretty certain that Miles was preparing himself for the worst…that it would take a couple “tries” to get one that stuck until we could announce officially that we are pregnant. Now, we don’t have that luxury. We are praying this one sticks…and the next one. I did have dreams for twins on the next go around, and that statistically is not longer probable. Call me selfish and pessimistic but right now it feels like our dreams are dying.

I know that God has us and His plan. His ways are hard to understand sometimes. We are trusting HIM. And know that He only gives us His best, but sometimes there is pain in the offering. Blessed be His name.

Holding my breath.  Too scared to dream.

Day 5: Transfer Day!

The day has come the doctors at SRM are gonna put a baby in my belly. I am incredibly nervous. I am incredibly shaky and trying to remain calm. It was not as early an appointment as they usually are, however, we were not 100% sure of our route to get to Seattle as the Skagit I-5 bridge collapsed this week causing many delays and is our route to Seattle. Not helping the stress level at all.

Well, the detour routes were easy and I was drinking my 36 ounces of water on the way and took my Ativan to try to help with the nerves. This procedure was EVERYTHING. I knew the importance of this day and all that lead up to it, and how much was riding on a smooth procedure. I was not as “prepared” to know what to expect for it and that was adding to the nerves. I knew I was not going to be asleep and it might be pretty uncomfortable. Especially with an incredibly full bladder. I knew the catheter holding the embryo of choice was, had to be, small…but still. UGH. I was going to pop I was just sure of it.

I did threaten the super nice doctor that I just might perhaps pee in her face so she had better be gentle. I am hoping it was the nerves. That just doesn’t sound like me.

MAGICAL!  Miles and I got to see the picture of the embryo #4139782 that was selected due to its size and growth progress. It was deemed #1 and put up on a monitor for us to see and talk to. I felt privileged to see my baby at this early of a stage where most at this point wouldn’t have even known there was something in there floating around as it is before it has even “attached” itself to the uterus yet. MAGIC for sure.


It was floating around and we watched the catheter suck it up into the tubes and the tubes were immediately transferred inside me. Again we watched the monitors and saw the catheter glide to the exact spot the doctors wanted and then a tiny lil shape we’ve named “odd shapey” kind of rolled out and landed somewhere inside the uterus.
 All the equipment was removed and I could just lay there on the table and relax. YEAH Right!  RELAX! I had a full bladder and they wanted me to lay still. Forty minutes of misery while equipment and ultrasounds pressed on my bloated belly…and now all this time later I needed to do the potty dance. An egg timer was set for 15 minutes and ticked mockingly away at me.
When that thing dinged I really did spring to my feet. I nearly forgot I was supposed to be moving carefully and walk/waddle slowly. I threw on a very fancy hospital worthy white waffle terry cloth skirt with snaps up the side and I half waddled/half pranced to the nearly bathroom and finally had the best pee of my life…just saying. It was wonderful.

It wasn’t until we were on our way home and I realized the extent of what just happened. They put that tiny lil baby in my belly. It is with me RIGHT now. Just floating around and hopefully getting used to its new “home” and wanting to find a good place to settle in. That is what we are hoping. We want baby to stick, but at this point we have done everything we can and it is entirely in God’s hands now. It is a good feeling to know we have tried everything and offer up our trust in Him that this baby is His and His plan for our lives.

My first ultrasound is sometime in the first week of June. So I have bed rest for a couple days and then life resumes to “normal” and the waiting ultimately begins.

The dreaded 2ww (Two-week wait) commences.

As close as we’ve ever been to Daring to Dream…BIG