NO MORE POKES!

The injections have become more intense.  Lupron, Follistim, and Menopur plus a blood draw today means a very bruised arm and belly.  The combination of the meds since Saturday (so for 3 full days) I have battled an intense headache.  Praying a full on migraine doesn’t ensue however I am feeling very low and very grumpy.  Let’s blame the hormones shall we?  I am gonna.  My blood work came back immediately today and all looked perfect.  All very good news.  Another ultrasound and blood work in a couple days will most likely determine the exact dates of the egg retrieval.  All is getting very close…..It could be as soon as this weekend?  CRAZY! Silver lining is (perhaps) only a few more days of shots.  Here’s to hoping for NO MORE POKES.  Here is to dreaming of a day with no more needles. 

Dreams getting closer.  
Dare I?

Mother’s Day

I hide.  As usual I hide from this holiday as if it were the plague.  Mothers Day has always been hard for both of us.  It is not even the unfulfilled dreams that is the most difficult for me.  It is the well intentioned people who make this holiday a painful day to swallow.  It was 4 years ago that our first ectopic pregnancy took my right fallopian tube (April 24^th, 2009).  It was right before Mother’s Day and the memories are still strong.  At my church Mothers are honored and appreciated and appropriately mentioned.  Flowers. Carnations are also usually given out to all the Mommys.  It has been difficult in the past to attend church on such a Sunday.  I was handed flowers by many many women who  felt sorry for me and overwhelmed with a feeling that my babies and I should be remembered too as a mother though my arms are empty and hand me their flower.  Sweet children belonging to my friends would make sure I had a flower too and I remember my “empty” arms being so filled with flowers and promises from countless women promising me children in my future.  As if they knew God’s plan for me.  I know it is coping mechanism which makes people feel better to make such claims, but it stings none the less.  It was painful.  The flowers were so symbolic of my pain and such promises were not encouraging to my heart at that point no matter how well intentioned.  They are empty.  For we do not know they are truth or God’s plan for our lives or my little dreams for family. It was difficult to hear such words then, and it would be even more so now as so many do not know or understand the magnitude of our last devastating blow. No tubes left. No shot without major medical assistance and a whole lot of prayers to get to the point of pregnancy. People do not understand and still tell me to “keep trying...you never know what surprise the Lord might have in store for you.”  If I had my arms full of flowers my inner emotions would have wanted to beat them over the head with that bouquet.  Cant you just see the petals and leaves flying everywhere?  Oh dear. Perhaps I would not have resorted to violent beatings by carnations but I know I would not have been able to graciously accept such words on this day. 


So I hid.  I hid from Mothers Day.  Miles and I did our best to not recognize the holiday as much as possible. We stayed in our pjs and had a morning together at home.  It was real.  It was honest.  It was simply what we needed to do.    

Keeping it real.  Not Dreaming Today.

Happy lil Folicles

Never have I ever been more excited during an internal ultrasound. I mean ewww.   Right ladies?  I hate those things!  But Miles was with me in the room as we met my new nurse Michelle.  SHE WAS AWESOME! I have never felt more comfortable in the most uncomfortable and vulnerable position.  My feet are in the stirrups and we were just chatting away as if we had known each other for years. Her calming nature made me feel at ease and she walked both Miles and I through all the pictures flashing on the 3D monitor.  She showed us all of the tiny lil follicles inside my ovaries and it was so encouraging.  She saw no cysts and assured us that everything looked “happy and perfect”.  She is vey invested in her patients.  She has pictures of her patient’s embryo babies on her phone.  She prays for them and talks to them daily.  Might sound a little odd but it melted my heart.   I LOVE HER! I have never said that about someone like her before, a NURSE.  She was wonderful.  Michelle gave me permission to call her after hours with any questions I have throughout this entire process.  WHO DOES THAT?  She also walked me through the more intense shots starting this weekend.  It was great to have Miles there to learn the multi step processes and how to switch needles and hand mix the different medicines.  My Dude really impressed me.  Happy.  She saw LOTS of happy little follicles.  That is good news.  And we got a glimpse of something GOOD on the monitors. Thus far those ultrasounds have shown nothing but bad news—from cysts on my ovaries to tubal pregnancies. Never has and ultrasound ended with good news. I was pretty excited. 
I needed this.  I needed to focus happy on something. 

Could I be ready to start to dream?

So....the Shots

The shots are going alright. The lovely women I blog-stock on YouTube taught me how to do them and I am feeling more and more confident as the days go on. Yes, I know. SO professional right?  I have not have any reactions or side effects from the Lupron so far. I hate the feeling of the needles going in my tummy. I suppose that is one good thing of having a bit of tummy to work with. No chance of stabbing an internal organ with the spare tire I have around my waist. I still have to psych myself into stabbing my tummy with needles as it seems so contrary to everything within me. They are not painful but very odd. I am not sure I will ever be “used” to them, but I am not so sure that I would want to be. I can see myself getting more confident in administering them. We shall see. The trigger shot (HCG) is still looming over me. Oh the fun ahead of me. Trying not to freak out over that. I swear the needles is 5 inches long. I am sure that is an over exaggeration but honestly, not by much.

For now , I am thankful each shot is easy and not painful. I have noticed only slight itching after each injection and it doesn’t last long.

 

A slew of appts with doctors and ultrasounds and bloodwork is in store for me in the weeks ahead.

 

Daring to Dream…

A Start Date…

May 1^st—Lupron begins.  Injections. The IVF process has officially started. All the diagnostic tests have been completed. 

We have practically simulated birth and I lived.  We have let few people know as it is somehow so incredibly awkward to talk about. People ask us “what is new in your world right now?” and I have absolutely no idea how to answer them.  It is so simple and yet so…not. Why is it so awkward to discuss?  I mean, you hear people say “we are starting to try,” and that seems pretty awkward if you ask me. It is the nice way of saying we are having sex like rabbits to try to get pregnant. Absolutely nothing awkward about that, am I right? HA!  I don’t know…I just dont know where to begin.  Maybe to start off, in my case, I am jabbing myself daily with needles.  AWESOME!  Soon I will be doing multiple shots a day. There is nothing private or sacred or secret about this process. Talk of sperm, eggs, and fertilization, injections, follicles, embryos and petri dishes is how we are making a baby. Nothing FUN about that process. Nothing easy. Nothing private.  But we are daring to dream here. So laying all emotions out there and just being real.  GULP!

Dreams still so far away.

Daring to Dream—A Collection of Thoughts along my Journey from Infertility to Family

When did I become infertile and my dreams change so much? How did this happen?  Where did my decent, kind, loving attitude towards people go?  How did I get here?  There are certainly days I wonder.  There are certainly days I find myself not the same person I once was.  How did I change?  I don’t want to be bitter or jaded, or angry.  I am certainly not angry towards God.  How am I angry at strangers for pregnancy?  How do I find myself incredibly jaded and cynical and almost angry towards women younger than I am announcing pregnancies?  How can I not JUST be happy for them?  Why do I find this a punch to my stomach and take it so personally?  Miles always graciously reminds me that I should not rob people of their joyous news.  I would hate it for people to feel such a way towards me and my good news…sigh.  He is right. Each announcement felt like a dagger in my heart.  It has been so hard to watch seemingly everyone else's dreams come true.  Some days I struggle not feeling jealous.  I have developed a sixth sense about pregnant women. I seem to smell them and see them everywhere and feel surrounded.  All I have ever wanted was children.  I have only imagined my future with babies to love on.  The last few years have not been easy.  We haven’t even passed the one year mark of the ectopic pregnancy #2 in June of 2012 that claimed my only remaining fallopian tube but it seems way longer.  Hopes dashed.  Hearts broken and  Dreams seemed dead.  It was October of 2012 that our journey to investigate IVF began.  Doctors far away, phone calls, and invasive diagnostic tests over the next several months followed.   Heavy sighs.   Deep breaths………

Dreams are still undone.   Dreams so far away.

glass observation deck of Sears Tower aka Willis Tower Chicago, IL