Round 2 / Meet Polar Baby

I held by breath again and found myself gasping for air as this tiny little blob we've affectionately named Polar Baby sat as a motionless dark circle on the oversized monitor screen above my head. The nice overly grinning and enthusiastic Asian male embryologist bouncingly assured us that this Lil Embryo was “perfect and looked great” trying to make my heart relax as all I could think about was “Yeah … you said that exact same thing to me last time … so …”

Although once again my bladder screamed otherwise I admit the actual transfer was 100% easier this time. Much less painful, quicker, smoother, and much less stressful. We only had Polar Baby as our choice whereas the last time we were selecting from a Petri dish of Lil friends and facing the doctors recommendations for a double transfer which really threw us for a loop and had our hearts racing and praying for God's wisdom in the 5 seconds we had to make a decision—one that could change EVERYTHING.

 This time while the stakes are higher for Polar Baby to survive being the last chance this round and only embryo left—but somehow despite that, this transfer was much, much easier. The embryologist also showed us the pictures and shared that Polar Baby had already "hatched" and that was a sign of eager and anxious growth. Polar Baby wants to grow? That is a great sign. We left SRM with our hearts full and brimming with a glimmer of what we are calling intentional hoping. Because we are not feeling like hoping … or dreaming … or even breathing ……………………………… yet. And now we wait. Again. 

Intentionally, Purposefully Dreaming by being thankful for today as that might be all we have. We are choosing to trust and be thankful for Polar Baby and that it is with us for the now.

First Beta test is Friday 8/9/13. Please pray for calm hearts, a peace that surpasses all understanding, and for His will to be done. To HIM be the glory.

What's Next? Florida Dreamin

Somewhere, in the middle of the day on THAT one day, I completely lost it. I shrunk into a fetal-ish position on my living room floor in a heap of tears mumbling something like “this isn't how it's supposed to go” … half crying, half falling asleep.

We had a trip to Florida scheduled for the end of the week and hoped we would spend the vacation in Sunny Ft Lauderdale celebrating our good news. I suppose looking back swimming in warm waves, parasailing with Miles and alligator adventures together with mom as well as attending the Miami Heat NBA Finals Game 2 were fantastic distractions for us from falling into the depths of despair. Thank you Mom for the fabulous gift of this trip together.

I would be lying though if I did not think of it often and long for the knowledge of that baby no longer with me. I would also be lying if I did not think of the lil frozen embryo waiting in a deep freezer in Seattle for our next round. A couple times while in Florida I received phone calls from my doctor and nurses at SRM scheduling appointments and medicines to get me ready for round 2. I remember feeling a little jaded and none so eager to start up the process over again. Where is the hope? We wanted the last baby to work. Doctors said the chances were great. The best. What now? What am I possibly supposed to think now? I did not like the idea of waiting more either. A WHOLE MONTH? THE END OF JULY??? Seriously? I cried thinking that my lil frozen baby, our “Polar Baby” was locked away in a freezer for a whole month. I did not like that thought. So many emotions. So many tears. I just did not want to be excited about the next step. More shots, adding patches, adding pills. Quadrupling the hormones. Will it help? How can it possibly make a difference?

I will update when it is time to put in Polar Baby. NO-MORE-DEAMING.—For now.