Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope in His mercy, To deliver their soul from death, And to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in Him, Because we have trusted in His holy name. Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, Just as we hope in You. (Ps 33.18-22)
It has been a difficult couple of months to say the least. I have been avoiding my blog because of fear of what to say or how to say it. I have wanted to write but I have been afraid of the still tender and raw emotions that seem to jump out when discussions of this topic arise. Despite this, I feel I am ready to share and it is rather therapeutic in a way to talk things through….....
So here goes…
Thursday, April 23rd was a shockingly glorious day after a visit to the doctors we discovered I was pregnant!!! This was the last thing we expected. I had been bleeding and in severe pain for weeks and was worried. I took 3 pregnancy tests the previous week and all were negative. I had no idea I was pregnant!!! Well, Miles and I were ecstatic to say the least. A baby in our family by the end of December? I loved the thought. Perfect! Something so new and fresh to bring in the new year as a Mommy and Daddy which sounded absolutely ideal. How fun, and we were thankful that our prayers were answered. My ultrasound appt was made for a couple of weeks out. We knew we could not keep the news to ourselves but attempted at least for a couple days to keep it under wraps. It turned out to be a good plan, as our excitement quickly faded. On Friday morning a surge of intense pain sent shock waves through me that nearly knocked me to the floor. Little did we know but the pregnancy was ectopic and that pain surge was the result of it rupturing. I waited 5hours motionless for my beloved husband to come home and rescue me by taking me to emergency. We did not know what was wrong but we knew the pain was severe and I would endure anything to get the pain to stop.
Once in emergency I was admitted immediately to triage. After an internal ultrasound and 6 morphine shots -no more than 30 minutes upon arrival I was in surgery. My surgeon was flawless. She told Miles and I later that I had lost over ¾ of my blood and if I had arrived a few minutes later than I did, I might not have made it through this alive. Our God is so good. I am glad she told us all this after the surgery as my poor Miles was beside himself with worry as it was. It was awful. Andrea (Miles’ sister) came down and stayed with Miles while I was in surgery. She was so wonderful to do that. Thank you Andrea. It meant more than you know.
After surgery I remember waking up and noticing I was not in any pain. I thought that was a really good sign….I looked up and there were 3 bags of blood above my head. I thought wow…that is incredible. (Not such a good sign) I don’t remember anything else until I got to see Miles from a distance. I was in the hospital recovering through Sunday and then got to go home. Miles stayed with me and helped me though both of those difficult nights.
My parents came up and several people from our church stopped by with hugs, love, and prayers for us. It was such a deeply sad time, but so encouraging to be surrounded by so much love. People brought meals, and stopped by throughout the day to check in on me. SO much we were overwhelmed with how much God takes care of his children. Miles went back to work a few days after I was home and my mother in law came to stay with me for the remainder of the week. What a special time we had together. It was a time I am so thankful for as she and I grew closer and I treasure the memories we made together. After she returned to Portland several others stopped by to eat lunches with me or watch movies with me to pass the time. I am so thankful to Sally Veum, Polly and Andie Remple, Rebecca Hansen, Elissa Schouten, Judy Stevenson, Natalya Len, and Brandi Bailey. I am so incredibly blessed by the time they all took to spend with me. A special thank you to Leanne who came several times….. her friendships, love, and encouragement has been such a blessing through this time. She has been there for me and I am so thankful for all our long chats, tears, and hugs that were shared. God knew I needed her. I am also incredibly blessed to have to have my Andrea so close! My dear sister in law. Where do I begin to thank her for helping to organize the meals, and visitors and spread the word of what happened to us to family and friends so we did not have to relive the not so happy circumstances. Andrea took me to a few doctor appointments and held my hand through the pain and tears. Her friendship is so dear to me and I know I have the greatest gift to have her for my sister and my friend.
Thursday, April 23rd was a shockingly glorious day after a visit to the doctors we discovered I was pregnant!!! This was the last thing we expected. I had been bleeding and in severe pain for weeks and was worried. I took 3 pregnancy tests the previous week and all were negative. I had no idea I was pregnant!!! Well, Miles and I were ecstatic to say the least. A baby in our family by the end of December? I loved the thought. Perfect! Something so new and fresh to bring in the new year as a Mommy and Daddy which sounded absolutely ideal. How fun, and we were thankful that our prayers were answered. My ultrasound appt was made for a couple of weeks out. We knew we could not keep the news to ourselves but attempted at least for a couple days to keep it under wraps. It turned out to be a good plan, as our excitement quickly faded. On Friday morning a surge of intense pain sent shock waves through me that nearly knocked me to the floor. Little did we know but the pregnancy was ectopic and that pain surge was the result of it rupturing. I waited 5hours motionless for my beloved husband to come home and rescue me by taking me to emergency. We did not know what was wrong but we knew the pain was severe and I would endure anything to get the pain to stop.
Once in emergency I was admitted immediately to triage. After an internal ultrasound and 6 morphine shots -no more than 30 minutes upon arrival I was in surgery. My surgeon was flawless. She told Miles and I later that I had lost over ¾ of my blood and if I had arrived a few minutes later than I did, I might not have made it through this alive. Our God is so good. I am glad she told us all this after the surgery as my poor Miles was beside himself with worry as it was. It was awful. Andrea (Miles’ sister) came down and stayed with Miles while I was in surgery. She was so wonderful to do that. Thank you Andrea. It meant more than you know.
After surgery I remember waking up and noticing I was not in any pain. I thought that was a really good sign….I looked up and there were 3 bags of blood above my head. I thought wow…that is incredible. (Not such a good sign) I don’t remember anything else until I got to see Miles from a distance. I was in the hospital recovering through Sunday and then got to go home. Miles stayed with me and helped me though both of those difficult nights.
My parents came up and several people from our church stopped by with hugs, love, and prayers for us. It was such a deeply sad time, but so encouraging to be surrounded by so much love. People brought meals, and stopped by throughout the day to check in on me. SO much we were overwhelmed with how much God takes care of his children. Miles went back to work a few days after I was home and my mother in law came to stay with me for the remainder of the week. What a special time we had together. It was a time I am so thankful for as she and I grew closer and I treasure the memories we made together. After she returned to Portland several others stopped by to eat lunches with me or watch movies with me to pass the time. I am so thankful to Sally Veum, Polly and Andie Remple, Rebecca Hansen, Elissa Schouten, Judy Stevenson, Natalya Len, and Brandi Bailey. I am so incredibly blessed by the time they all took to spend with me. A special thank you to Leanne who came several times….. her friendships, love, and encouragement has been such a blessing through this time. She has been there for me and I am so thankful for all our long chats, tears, and hugs that were shared. God knew I needed her. I am also incredibly blessed to have to have my Andrea so close! My dear sister in law. Where do I begin to thank her for helping to organize the meals, and visitors and spread the word of what happened to us to family and friends so we did not have to relive the not so happy circumstances. Andrea took me to a few doctor appointments and held my hand through the pain and tears. Her friendship is so dear to me and I know I have the greatest gift to have her for my sister and my friend.
This time has been incredibly difficult emotionally (of course) but has caused Miles and I to grow closer together as well. He hugs me a little tighter and kisses a little longer these days as I know this was very scary for him as he not only lost a child but he almost lost me too. I am thankful for my husband and have been so impressed with how he has gently taken care of me and helped me do every little thing. He sits with me when I just need to cry. The dark days are not over yet. Physically I am all healed up but emotionally we both have a long way to go. Miles and I know the God we serve is good, but it is so difficult for us to wrap our human brains around the thought that it was His good and perfect plan for our baby not to live. We can rest in Him being good but we will not understand ….and that is ok.
To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in You; Let me not be ashamed; …Show me Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercies and Your loving kindnesses, For they have been from of old. (Ps 25.1-6)
2 comments:
You obviously have so many great people around you to help you, and Miles, get through this painful time. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I remembered hearing it all from Andrea. I'm SO glad you are ok!! ♥♥♥
wow that is so much that you have gone through! i will keep you in my prayers & i know how much you 2 want babies! :) hang in there!
p.s. i LOVE your pic at the end, what a blessing to have a Godly husband to love and support you. i often find myself realizing as i (and others) go through different struggles in life, men like that are hard to find!!
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