Fire & Ice -Hot & Cold The polar opposites of emotions.But that is the best way I know how to put into words how I feel right now.
Not too hopeful. Today marks two months to the day since I woke up rejoicing in the excitment and anticipation of a baby on the way inside of me....and went to bed sobbing with a C-section incision accross my belly and in pain both physically and emotionally in shock that that same baby i was dreaming earlier that day about was no more. Tough anniversary ...tough day.
Though few weeks. I was home from wokr for three weeks! I had lots of wonderful people by my side. Goingn back to work has been very difficult.
People have asked me how I am doing and I feel that although I am healed physically and life is getting “back to Normal” that I am not wanting things to be “Normal” -- that somehow as things are “normal” that means I am forgetting…Forgetting about my baby…forgetting about the loss…and that I am “over it”. Does that make sense? I am not over it! It is something that I will never be over. It will be easier with time but I will never forget. While in San Diego Miles bought me a Tiffany & Co style toggle charm bracelet with a heart charm attached as a physical reminder…something physical to hold onto….
I think that jumping from one emotion to the next is also probably a normal aspect of grieving and something I should not be worried about. My feelings are laced with guilt and pain and sadness and other days are very hopeful for the future. Today is not one of those days.
2 comments:
I just read the following quote from my Elisabeth Elliot flip calendar and thought of you.
"Put each difficult thing in your hands and offer it up to Jesus. You might be amazed at how God can transform that thing that is so painful to you into good for somebody else."
He's an amazing God and loves you more than you can even imagine. Cling to that.
Knowing that very thing is the only thing that gets us through these times. A precious woman in my life once said that "these are the times we hold onto what we KNOW of God, and not on what we FEEL". SO true!
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