This past year has been, well hard. I don’t know how else to put it. 2011-2012 has been filled with some of the hardest moments of my life. We returned home from our year abroad in India in July of 2011. (to see more of our year in Chennai, India click here) It was a really tough time as adjusting back to “normal” life not wanting life to be “normal” and adjusting to my father dying in Oregon meant many trips from our new “home” to Portland to be nearby and spend as much with him in his last days as possible. I feel I was there most weekends and a new weekly routine began. Monday – Thursday be “home” hiding from everyone I knew and loved so I could adjust to being in a place that was supposed to be home but did not feel at all like home and then leave on Fridays to be at my old “home” the house I grew up in, which also was hardly comforting as my father was dying… and how is that my wonderful home? I really felt I didn’t BELONG ANYWHERE. It was so confusing and emotional. I feel this entire year has been emotional and I am still a wreck.
My dear father died on October 25th, 2011 and my world completely fell apart. I had many years and months leading up to this to “prepare” myself for that day to come but NOTHING can fully prepare you for losing your Daddy. I was with him. I was there. I am so thankful. I held his hand and kissed his head as he died. My mom held the other one, and my brothers and closest family friends were all around his bedside. After a laborious breathing battle for 3 days he died. I am still haunted by the sounds his body made as he lay there in a hospital bed in the front living room where he used to read us stories and watch movies. This was not the Dad I knew…but I am so thankful I was there with him and my mom and brothers during this tough time. Such loneliness and sadness filled the house- but also hope as we (his family and closest friends) knew he was not laboring anymore. He was healthy and happy and in Heaven and having the most amazing conversations with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. SO THANKFUL for this thought.
Well the year went on and we survived. That is the only way I could describe the holidays that soon followed. Ending 2011 and starting 2012 -We survived. I was not so certain we would. But by God’s grace we did. It all started in October of 2011 and I feel my moment to moment living hasn’t changed – now a year later. By spring of 2012 I was feeling more “settled”. I was in a great job at Logos, Miles was thriving in his job in Publications at Logos, and we were talking about buying our first house and starting the family we had been dreaming about for years. Dreams. We were in a place we could start dreaming. FINALLY. Could this be the “normal” we had so hoped for?
Come May we found out our dreams were coming true. I found out I was pregnant and our offer on our condo was being processed and accepted. That fabled second line was finally MINE! (actually it was a digital test that Jacs had bought for me to make things “easier”. I was terrified to be seen buying a pregnancy test in Lynden as I cannot go into a store without recognizing someone I know. Oh the joys of living in small community America.)
But regardless of all that the test read Pregnant. I took all 4 tests and many more in the weeks ahead. Things were progressing quickly.
To make a very long story short(er) while the offer on the condo was finalized and a closing/move in date was scheduled our pregnancy was discovered to once again be ectopic. AGAIN! It was our deepest fear. We hadn’t shared with the world our joy of Baby#2 because Miles was afraid that this might be the case. I was certain it was legit and baby was in the right place because I had every symptom of pregnancy known to (wo)man. My excitement was uncontainable. OB and ultrasounds appointments scheduled on the calendar but once again, around 10 weeks, (June 8th, 2012) baby tore through tube #2. While the surgery this time was not as serious as the previous emergency C-section but rather a laparoscopy however the recovery was ten times worse emotionally. We were devastated. Two ruptured ectopic pregnancies in three years left both my fallopian tubes removed or useless and our hearts crushed. No babies coming in the way we had planned- EVAH! Our hearts were shattered and dreams lost leaving me depressed and just sad. Don’t tell me Christians can’t be sad or even depressed. Fully relying on the Lord for his plan for us is GOOD, is something we both believe with all our hearts. We are trusting in Him and his ways…but we are still sad. We are human and don’t understand this. We don’t understand how this can be best for us. But we are relying once again on what we know of God to be truth. He is GOOD. He has a plan and purpose of GOOD. Because He loves us. At a women’s retreat (before we knew we were expecting) my dear friend Sandy talked about her infertility and finding joy in the NOW. I was encouraged and challenged and still to this day feel it was preparing me for what came in the short months later.
Infertile. I never expected those to be the words coming out of my mouth. I have had baby dolls as far back as I can remember and wanted to be a MOM more than anything my entire life. Infertile. It still seems like a term that cannot possibly belong next to my name. How can this be?
Be praying for us. We are headed into a time of asking medical questions of specialist and finding out what the next steps will/can be….investigating possibilities….if having children can even be medically possible. We have an appt with a doctor to discuss photos my wonderful surgeon took during the last laparoscopy. We will discuss our options and what they look like. I am so nervous. I don’t feel ready to dream again yet. But I do want a family. We both do. We have HOPE. I am trying to remember to breathe.
A year later (now October 2012) I am still struggling to breath and feel as if I am living moment to moment. One foot in front of the other is about all I can do. We are not angry as we know God is in complete control of all these situations but we don’t understand and find through the tough moments we forget to breath…. But -despite all- we have hope. We want to give all glory to God as he works in us and through us.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
- Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)
My dear father died on October 25th, 2011 and my world completely fell apart. I had many years and months leading up to this to “prepare” myself for that day to come but NOTHING can fully prepare you for losing your Daddy. I was with him. I was there. I am so thankful. I held his hand and kissed his head as he died. My mom held the other one, and my brothers and closest family friends were all around his bedside. After a laborious breathing battle for 3 days he died. I am still haunted by the sounds his body made as he lay there in a hospital bed in the front living room where he used to read us stories and watch movies. This was not the Dad I knew…but I am so thankful I was there with him and my mom and brothers during this tough time. Such loneliness and sadness filled the house- but also hope as we (his family and closest friends) knew he was not laboring anymore. He was healthy and happy and in Heaven and having the most amazing conversations with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. SO THANKFUL for this thought.
Well the year went on and we survived. That is the only way I could describe the holidays that soon followed. Ending 2011 and starting 2012 -We survived. I was not so certain we would. But by God’s grace we did. It all started in October of 2011 and I feel my moment to moment living hasn’t changed – now a year later. By spring of 2012 I was feeling more “settled”. I was in a great job at Logos, Miles was thriving in his job in Publications at Logos, and we were talking about buying our first house and starting the family we had been dreaming about for years. Dreams. We were in a place we could start dreaming. FINALLY. Could this be the “normal” we had so hoped for?
But regardless of all that the test read Pregnant. I took all 4 tests and many more in the weeks ahead. Things were progressing quickly.
To make a very long story short(er) while the offer on the condo was finalized and a closing/move in date was scheduled our pregnancy was discovered to once again be ectopic. AGAIN! It was our deepest fear. We hadn’t shared with the world our joy of Baby#2 because Miles was afraid that this might be the case. I was certain it was legit and baby was in the right place because I had every symptom of pregnancy known to (wo)man. My excitement was uncontainable. OB and ultrasounds appointments scheduled on the calendar but once again, around 10 weeks, (June 8th, 2012) baby tore through tube #2. While the surgery this time was not as serious as the previous emergency C-section but rather a laparoscopy however the recovery was ten times worse emotionally. We were devastated. Two ruptured ectopic pregnancies in three years left both my fallopian tubes removed or useless and our hearts crushed. No babies coming in the way we had planned- EVAH! Our hearts were shattered and dreams lost leaving me depressed and just sad. Don’t tell me Christians can’t be sad or even depressed. Fully relying on the Lord for his plan for us is GOOD, is something we both believe with all our hearts. We are trusting in Him and his ways…but we are still sad. We are human and don’t understand this. We don’t understand how this can be best for us. But we are relying once again on what we know of God to be truth. He is GOOD. He has a plan and purpose of GOOD. Because He loves us. At a women’s retreat (before we knew we were expecting) my dear friend Sandy talked about her infertility and finding joy in the NOW. I was encouraged and challenged and still to this day feel it was preparing me for what came in the short months later.
Infertile. I never expected those to be the words coming out of my mouth. I have had baby dolls as far back as I can remember and wanted to be a MOM more than anything my entire life. Infertile. It still seems like a term that cannot possibly belong next to my name. How can this be?
Be praying for us. We are headed into a time of asking medical questions of specialist and finding out what the next steps will/can be….investigating possibilities….if having children can even be medically possible. We have an appt with a doctor to discuss photos my wonderful surgeon took during the last laparoscopy. We will discuss our options and what they look like. I am so nervous. I don’t feel ready to dream again yet. But I do want a family. We both do. We have HOPE. I am trying to remember to breathe.
A year later (now October 2012) I am still struggling to breath and feel as if I am living moment to moment. One foot in front of the other is about all I can do. We are not angry as we know God is in complete control of all these situations but we don’t understand and find through the tough moments we forget to breath…. But -despite all- we have hope. We want to give all glory to God as he works in us and through us.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
- Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)
5 comments:
I love you both so much, and you two are always in my prayers. I've been blessed greatly since God crossed our paths... You've always got my prayers.
Beka and I have been praying for you guys often. Such a rough year! We will continue to do so.
Oh Jenny! I didn't have a clue. My heart and prayers go out to you both. I knew about your dad, but I obviously had no clue you had lost another baby. I am so sorry.
So I am so happy for you two that you were able to buy a house. You are such a wonderful loving person, and I know that one day you will be a mommy, maybe not the conventional way, but you will be.
What a deeply emotional and honest post. Thank you for sharing that, yes, as Christians we are still sad and mourning the loss of the ones we know and the ones we never got to meet. I pray that your journey through infertility will be one that will lead to great blessing for you--greater than you can even imagine.
I have been thinking of you a LOT lately. I'm praying for you guys as you continue this journey! Much love to you both sweet friend! :)
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