Daring to Dream—A Collection of Thoughts along my Journey from Infertility to Family

When did I become infertile and my dreams change so much? How did this happen?  Where did my decent, kind, loving attitude towards people go?  How did I get here?  There are certainly days I wonder.  There are certainly days I find myself not the same person I once was.  How did I change?  I don’t want to be bitter or jaded, or angry.  I am certainly not angry towards God.  How am I angry at strangers for pregnancy?  How do I find myself incredibly jaded and cynical and almost angry towards women younger than I am announcing pregnancies?  How can I not JUST be happy for them?  Why do I find this a punch to my stomach and take it so personally?  Miles always graciously reminds me that I should not rob people of their joyous news.  I would hate it for people to feel such a way towards me and my good news…sigh.  He is right. Each announcement felt like a dagger in my heart.  It has been so hard to watch seemingly everyone else's dreams come true.  Some days I struggle not feeling jealous.  I have developed a sixth sense about pregnant women. I seem to smell them and see them everywhere and feel surrounded.  All I have ever wanted was children.  I have only imagined my future with babies to love on.  The last few years have not been easy.  We haven’t even passed the one year mark of the ectopic pregnancy #2 in June of 2012 that claimed my only remaining fallopian tube but it seems way longer.  Hopes dashed.  Hearts broken and  Dreams seemed dead.  It was October of 2012 that our journey to investigate IVF began.  Doctors far away, phone calls, and invasive diagnostic tests over the next several months followed.   Heavy sighs.   Deep breaths………

Dreams are still undone.   Dreams so far away.

glass observation deck of Sears Tower aka Willis Tower Chicago, IL

Even If the Healing Doesn't Come

My "theme" song that sums up my heart for the last quite-a-while.

Kutless
Even If lyrics

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT
 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

HOME—A Year Later

This past year has been, well hard. I don’t know how else to put it. 2011-2012 has been filled with some of the hardest moments of my life. We returned home from our year abroad in India in July of 2011. (to see more of our year in Chennai, India click here) It was a really tough time as adjusting back to “normal” life not wanting life to be “normal” and adjusting to my father dying in Oregon meant many trips from our new “home” to Portland to be nearby and spend as much with him in his last days as possible. I feel I was there most weekends and a new weekly routine began. Monday – Thursday be “home” hiding from everyone I knew and loved so I could adjust to being in a place that was supposed to be home but did not feel at all like home and then leave on Fridays to be at my old “home” the house I grew up in, which also was hardly comforting as my father was dying… and how is that my wonderful home? I really felt I didn’t BELONG ANYWHERE. It was so confusing and emotional. I feel this entire year has been emotional and I am still a wreck.

My dear father died on October 25th, 2011 and my world completely fell apart. I had many years and months leading up to this to “prepare” myself for that day to come but NOTHING can fully prepare you for losing your Daddy. I was with him. I was there. I am so thankful. I held his hand and kissed his head as he died. My mom held the other one, and my brothers and closest family friends were all around his bedside. After a laborious breathing battle for 3 days he died. I am still haunted by the sounds his body made as he lay there in a hospital bed in the front living room where he used to read us stories and watch movies. This was not the Dad I knew…but I am so thankful I was there with him and my mom and brothers during this tough time. Such loneliness and sadness filled the house- but also hope as we (his family and closest friends) knew he was not laboring anymore. He was healthy and happy and in Heaven and having the most amazing conversations with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. SO THANKFUL for this thought.

Well the year went on and we survived. That is the only way I could describe the holidays that soon followed. Ending 2011 and starting 2012 -We survived. I was not so certain we would. But by God’s grace we did. It all started in October of 2011 and I feel my moment to moment living hasn’t changed – now a year later. By spring of 2012 I was feeling more “settled”. I was in a great job at Logos, Miles was thriving in his job in Publications at Logos, and we were talking about buying our first house and starting the family we had been dreaming about for years. Dreams. We were in a place we could start dreaming. FINALLY. Could this be the “normal” we had so hoped for?

Come May we found out our dreams were coming true. I found out I was pregnant and our offer on our condo was being processed and accepted. That fabled second line was finally MINE! (actually it was a digital test that Jacs had bought for me to make things “easier”. I was terrified to be seen buying a pregnancy test in Lynden as I cannot go into a store without recognizing someone I know. Oh the joys of living in small community America.)

 But regardless of all that the test read Pregnant. I took all 4 tests and many more in the weeks ahead. Things were progressing quickly. To make a very long story short(er) while the offer on the condo was finalized and a closing/move in date was scheduled our pregnancy was discovered to once again be ectopic. AGAIN! It was our deepest fear. We hadn’t shared with the world our joy of Baby#2 because Miles was afraid that this might be the case. I was certain it was legit and baby was in the right place because I had every symptom of pregnancy known to (wo)man. My excitement was uncontainable. OB and ultrasounds appointments scheduled on the calendar but once again, around 10 weeks, (June 8th, 2012) baby tore through tube #2. While the surgery this time was not as serious as the previous emergency C-section but rather a laparoscopy however the recovery was ten times worse emotionally. We were devastated. Two ruptured ectopic pregnancies in three years left both my fallopian tubes removed or useless and our hearts crushed. No babies coming in the way we had planned- EVAH! Our hearts were shattered and dreams lost leaving me depressed and just sad. Don’t tell me Christians can’t be sad or even depressed. Fully relying on the Lord for his plan for us is GOOD, is something we both believe with all our hearts. We are trusting in Him and his ways…but we are still sad. We are human and don’t understand this. We don’t understand how this can be best for us. But we are relying once again on what we know of God to be truth. He is GOOD. He has a plan and purpose of GOOD. Because He loves us. At a women’s retreat (before we knew we were expecting) my dear friend Sandy talked about her infertility and finding joy in the NOW. I was encouraged and challenged and still to this day feel it was preparing me for what came in the short months later. Infertile. I never expected those to be the words coming out of my mouth. I have had baby dolls as far back as I can remember and wanted to be a MOM more than anything my entire life. Infertile. It still seems like a term that cannot possibly belong next to my name. How can this be?

Be praying for us. We are headed into a time of asking medical questions of specialist and finding out what the next steps will/can be….investigating possibilities….if having children can even be medically possible. We have an appt with a doctor to discuss photos my wonderful surgeon took during the last laparoscopy. We will discuss our options and what they look like. I am so nervous. I don’t feel ready to dream again yet. But I do want a family. We both do. We have HOPE. I am trying to remember to breathe.

 A year later (now October 2012) I am still struggling to breath and feel as if I am living moment to moment. One foot in front of the other is about all I can do. We are not angry as we know God is in complete control of all these situations but we don’t understand and find through the tough moments we forget to breath…. But -despite all- we have hope. We want to give all glory to God as he works in us and through us.

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
- Psalm 37:23-24 (NLT)

Wedding Anniversary (6 Years)

Miles, ”…Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.” This was the verse on our wedding programs and how true it has been for us. While I did not have to change the God I serve as we serve the same God (together), I have followed you to the other side of the world, and oh the adventures we have had! And the best part is there is so much more “life” and adventures ahead of us. I'll take our big, unbridled wild and beautiful life together with you over anything else! You were a gift God gave to me and I am so thankful.

We have been married for 6 years today! It may be cliché but you know I will say it anyway- it truly does get better every day and waking up to you (my best friend) every day is as good as it gets.

So thankful for you… This year we will never forget...spending this time together in India.

Happy Anniversary to my Best Friend,
the Half that makes me Whole- & the Love of my life!

Yours Always,
Jenny

Wedding Day Pics!

I just had to share! I obviously was not in attendance of this wedding (because I am not even in the country...) So these pictures are courtesy of Liz Haas. She was the photographer for the wedding. She captured some great shots and the first "offical" family photo! I love it!

Congratulations Tami and Joshua

Meet our soon to be new Family!

This is our soon to be sister in law Tami and her two boys,

Cameron (6)

Carter (3)

The wedding is August 21st, 2010.

Welcome to the Bell Family!