When did I become infertile and my dreams change so much?
How did this happen? Where did my
decent, kind, loving attitude towards people go? How did I get here? There are certainly days I wonder. There are certainly days I find myself not
the same person I once was. How did I
change? I don’t want to be bitter or
jaded, or angry. I am certainly not
angry towards God. How am I angry at
strangers for pregnancy? How do I find
myself incredibly jaded and cynical and almost angry towards women younger than
I am announcing pregnancies? How can I
not JUST be happy for them? Why do I
find this a punch to my stomach and take it so personally? Miles always graciously reminds me that I
should not rob people of their joyous news.
I would hate it for people to feel such a way towards me and my good news…sigh. He is right. Each announcement felt like a dagger in my heart. It has been so hard to watch seemingly everyone else's dreams come true. Some days I struggle not feeling
jealous. I have developed a sixth sense
about pregnant women. I seem to smell them and see them everywhere and feel surrounded. All I
have ever wanted was children. I have
only imagined my future with babies to love on.
The last few years have not been easy.
We haven’t even passed the one year mark of the ectopic pregnancy #2
in June of 2012 that claimed my only remaining fallopian tube but it seems way longer. Hopes dashed.
Hearts broken and Dreams seemed
dead. It was October of 2012 that our
journey to investigate IVF began. Doctors
far away, phone calls, and invasive diagnostic tests over the next several months
followed. Heavy sighs. Deep breaths………
Dreams are still undone. Dreams
so far away.
